This Is Why Sometimes I Can’t Masturbate To Porn

the despair of pornstars
is deeply ingrained upon me
imagine you wanted to be a global-level famous actress, who millions of men masturbate to the idea of fucking, but none of them entertaining even a hope that it’ll happen because they know she’s above this mortal coil
you went to the city to try to make it big
and after a gallery of audition rejection and failure
desperation creeps up behind you
the anxiousness from not having any money seeps into every pore and never goes away
then maybe a friend suggests something
maybe a random sleazy guy at one of the auditions
flash forward it’s three years later and you’re letting strange men stick their medically improbable fleshspears deep inside your ass
and oh god it hurts
it hurts so much and it bleeds and it leaves behind scarring and your body is never the same
and this is what you do to survive
get assraped on camera while you pretend to enjoy it
while your shouts try to sound like you want it
and you degrade yourself and you degrade yourself becuase you’re not new anymore, you’re not fresh, nobodies taking your calls anymore, you have to do weirder shit and some would-be actress is starring in her next film, alongside a dog

and then no one calls you back anymore, and you leave the profession, traumatized, a deep scar in your personal history that you can never walk away from
scars you can’t run away from, because sometimes some asshole in the street recognizes you and calls the entire weight of society’s burning raging impulse to stone women who fuck a lot down on your blasted head
i saw this video on the internet of a former female pornstar talking about how she thinks her entire career in porn was a mistake, that it was wrong, that it was a sin against god and it ruined her relationship with her family and she’s crying
and i hate it, i can SEE in her eyes the bullshit ideology at work, the stupid stupid equation that says having a lot of sex=bad or having sex on camera=bad, or worse, having sex on camera=going to hell
and of course i disagree with the illogic, but i can also clearly see this is not a woman who should’ve ever gone into porn, that her brainwashed priorities to her family and to god meant that the damage inflicted by the industry was increased tenfold
…and that’s why sometimes i have difficulty masturbating to porn.


Depression or Drugs

I’m falling into lethargy, depression, waking up while repeating in my head “I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate everything” over and over. Even out loud, sometimes. The shattered state of my room doesn’t elicit a sliver of guilt or unease at the discordian mess anymore—just a feeling of my dark mood deepening, and comfort that my surroundings match the inside of my head.

I come home from school, fall onto the couch, whisper to myself and the Universe, “I want to die.” 

The worst part is that I don’t have a valid reason to be depressed. This is just another First World kid crying on tumblr about a mood swing that anyone anywhere else would call mild, but ooh, my sensitive, unblemished, untested unstretched untried soft psyche’s skin. 

I could blame the drugs. Weed, lsd, shrooms. But that’s bullshit. Or is it? Weed bores me, lsd leaves me stupid and terrified and unable to comprehend anything, waiting for the trip to end, deep down inside my conviction telling me, “No. This will never end, you stupid fuck, you took this thing you already know you hate you already had one bad trip and you’re doing it again you stupid stupid”…but of course it ends.

Shrooms does similar, though the presence of funny people or the right setting can change that, it seems. Shrooms and LSD seem to peel back at my conscious, self-reflexive emotional barriers I built into myself. Barriers I flex a lot, recently. Walls protecting my conscious mind from the rot of a very simple idea: I’m worthless. Sure, within my tiny circle people perhaps recognize me, my potential, my glowing sparks indicating possible greatness. But it’s only that, potential, unrealised, and I’m 18 years old now. Unrealised potential starts to expire and stink up the place around this time. I’m so close to sliding into becoming a nothing, and that truth crashes in one me when I’m alone in my room with the lights off, tripping balls, crying out, whispering “Why does everyone hate me? Why does everyone love me? I’M DANIEL FUCKING ROSS. Fuck, fuckm, fuck..” My mind can’t hide myself from the fact I’m the most potential-ridden lazy mediocre fuck that exists.

So is it really depression or drugs I’m warding off? Or hell, take a third option: both. Perhaps the drugs are simply allowing what I repress to come out, accelerating an inevitable process of psychic leakage, or imbalancing my brain chemicals for emotions. Or hell, a fourth option: the end of high school approaching scares the fuck out of me and makes me realize I wasted an entire damn year, again. Or all four. Or none of it. Realistically, it’s all four, but it’s really the answer that it’s none of them, that maybe I’m just contracting the depressive tendencies of my father, THAT scares me.

I hate you all. I hate the world. And saying those things really just means I hate myself so much right now, it can’t be contained within me…and has to encompass everything.

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Drug-Fuelled Obvious Answers To Life’s Questions


well, my post-stoner thoughts on life aren’t so profound

one big effect of a lot of drugs is time dilation
time seems way longer than it actually is
six hours feels like a few days
i’ve looked out the window and gone, oh my god, it’s still daytime? what? it’s only been two hours? WHEN DOES THIS END
and that made me realize that life’s purpose is so goddamn mundane
it’s just filling in the hours between sleeping and death in as interesting a way as possible
life is about fighting boredom every second
my thoughts on death were a little more meaty
because in the midst of an unpleasant drug trip, thoughts about the possibility of suicide emerge
as a way of ending not just the bad trip, but also life’s struggle and suffering in general
but i realized
and i told my friends this
"Death is the end of possibility, of all chances of enjoyment. But it’s also the end of struggle, of suffering. Which means that Death is not negative or positive."
"Barring the unlikely presence of an afterlife, death is neutral."
none of this sounds particularly profound
but it’s the final answer to a lot of philosophical questions people think are “unanswerable”
which is bs
female friend: 
hat gets pretty deep though, those kinds of answers.
it isn’t anything too profound nor prolific, but if the surface of the water were to have been rippled, it could be by realizations such as these
i throw a lot of “un-answerable” philosophical questions out of the way and just say
"we kinda can’t do anything about a lot of these questions until scientists find something out, a long time from now"
like, it occurred to me that one of my theories/story ideas
that maybe we’re just some sort of petri dish laboratory experiment of god’s
and we’re not more important to our creator than our microbes in petri dishes are to us
that our assumption we have an important purpose to our creation is arrogant and laughable
like fuck looking for some grand purpose from our creator
look for your own

shelasher said: I know this is an old piece but I wanted to let you know I enjoyed it. "Re blogs and content sharing on Tumblr: a personal network analysis"- I am very interested in the "tipping point" of tumblr blogs. ie how many followers to you need before your followers begin to generate exponentially? How do you find the "connectors" and "influencers" on Tumblr? Its all interesting stuff but quite hard to track! thanks- E


Digging into my Ask box and responding to very old questions - this one on this post doing a little network analysis of reblogs from Dec 2012

1. How many followers do you need before your followers increase exponentially?

That’s a tricky one - mostly because Tumblr doesn’t make follower counts public on people’s blogs or in the API, so it’s fairly impossible to do objective research. What I can say though is that follower numbers matter a lot less than your position within Tumblr social networks - that is, it’s about community.

When I say community, this can mean self-identifing communities such as TV fandoms or Feminist Tumblr (ok, lots of communities within Feminist Tumblr!) However, it’s not the self-identification as part of a community that’s what really matters. What’s actually important is the habitual pattern of who interacts with who through reblogging and commenting on each others’ posts. It’s community as defined by social network analysis.

Become a part of a really active community, put a lot of time into writing good posts, following people and reblogging - and your follower count could increase very rapidly.

On the other hand, having loads of followers doesn’t necessarily get you anywhere. I’m a great example! So I have 164,00 followers because I was Tumblr tech listed & recommended to new users on sign-up. That gave me 250 new followers per day. Now that’s stopped, I get maybe 5? Two main reasons:

  • Essentially all the people who followed me were newbies with zero network power (and most of them probably stopped using Tumblr really quickly), so they provide no network advantage to spreading my posts.
  • I don’t really participate in any Tumblr communities so I am relatively marginal within the network.

(My network power is much stronger on Twitter despite far fewer followers - but that’s another post…)

2. How do you find the connectors and influencers on Tumblr?

As I said, with no publicly visible follower counts, there’s no easy way to do this. You can do it through social network analysis, collecting a big pool of posts and analysing who reblogs who. However, you need proper social media research resources to do this (API access, some Python skills, and use of programs like NodeSQL or Gephi). This happens to be my job - but I work alongside a developer team to do the data wrangling.

But all is not lost! From the principles of network analysis we can draw out some rules of thumb that can provide pretty good proxy methods for finding these super-connectors in the Tumblr niche you want to be part of. So:

1. Look at a Tumblr post you like/admire, and expand the list of notes so you can see everyone who faved & reblogged it. Posts with 100+ notes are most useful here, as are ones where a bit of a “reblog conversation” has gone on.

2. Looking at the message body, make a note of:

  • original author
  • rebloggers who’ve added comments that have then become part of the ‘reblog tree’ discussion

3. Looking at the list of notes for the “A reblogged B” format, identify which Tumblr users seem to have been reblogged the most.

4. Repeat this for 10-20 more posts, so you’ve got a pool of 50+ names. Are any names starting to recur? This indicates they’ve got high “network centrality" - that means influence.

5. Take the list of names you’ve got (heavily-reblogged original authors and popular rebloggers) and go to their Tumblrs to see what’s going on. Check out:

  • The note count on their original posts (if they make any): what kind of engagement are they getting?
  • Their follower count (some people do list it in bios, and of course the more influential are more likely to brag!)

This will help you rank your list of names.

6. Iterate the process. Look at the Tumblrs of the top 10 most influential people you’ve identified, and explore who they’re reblogging, who’s mentioned in their posts, and who’s heavily reblogged in their Notes.

Add these people to your Influentials list.

7. Follow the people you think are really interesting. They might not necessarily be the most influential ones on the list - but you’ll have a better chance of making a connection to them if you think alike.

Bonus step 8:
To get influential users to interact with you, the best way is probably to reblog something they’ve written, adding an interesting comment or question on the bottom of it. They’ll be pretty likely to reply & check you out, creating the opportunity for them to decide to follow you.

People also use Ask boxes to make themselves known to others and build relationships - but you do need to have something more interesting to say than “Please will you follow me back?”


What do you reckon, Social Network Analysis Tumblr? How’s my heuristic? Anything I’ve missed out?

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Pirates say, “Welcome to the Jungle, Bitches”

Creative people everywhere are panicking because pirates can infinitely copy any tv show, novel, comic, album you can make, no matter how hard you try to stop them.

Barring every world government becoming totalitarian and 1984 Big Brother-esque, controlling what everyone does down to your last keyboard stroke so it’s impossible to download a torrent without having your computer freeze and police kick down your door and your skull, this isn’t going away. It’s going to get worse.

What this creates is a Darwinian, sink-or-swim fight-or-die situation where only the best creations survive. It’s not going to destroy any industries. It’s just going to make it impossible for anyone but the truly brilliant to survive.

Is it so bad, a world where only geniuses get to make money off their creations?

Yes, yes it is. But only for all of us who’re crap.

There’s never been a better time to be a consumer. They get to watch as only the sexiest, most violent, most complex, most unpredictable beasts strut and roar and kill their weaker brethren.

There’s never been a worse time to be a crap creator.

Welcome to the jungle, bitches.

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i really like the idea of a fantasy setting but in modern times. elves on smart phones and taking pictures for their instagram. dwarves getting into console wars and calling each other casual gamers. mages casting dangerous spells for the vine. i want it.

"Dude I dunno, necromancy is pretty fucked up." "Do it for the vine."

Well fuck

192,272 notes


Why you shouldn’t microwave a cell phone
it’s like the rebirth of Voldemort

Must do this at some point.


Why you shouldn’t microwave a cell phone

it’s like the rebirth of Voldemort


Must do this at some point.


923,891 notes